When Life Does Not Go According to Plan.

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0:45 Welcome to the next show. Really looking forward to talking to you about this subject because it's very near and dear to my heart. You know, we've all had times when life does not go according to our plan. Matter of fact, transitions come before we're really able to transform. And sometimes we stay in that transition phase. Have you ever noticed that life rarely unfolds exactly as we imagined? Sometimes a relationship ends and that can be painful. Sometimes a career changes and that can be very scary. Sometimes we lose someone we love through divorce, death, separation, whatever.

1:27 Sometimes the failure of the future we counted on just quietly disappears and we don't know what to do. We usually are not in a situation to choose the transitions in life, but we're all confronted with them. We always get to choose who we become after them and because of them. Actually, we can look at. These situations not as failures, but as opportunities to grow and to really make a difference in your life. Today, I want to talk about one simple idea that has become incredibly meaningful to me. And I think incredibly meaningful to many people. That transition often comes and always comes actually before transformation. A lot of people think perhaps they don't think about it as a transition. They think about it perhaps as a failure. Most of us resist transition.

2:27 And the reason is because it's changed. And often we get stuck in comfortable situations that are not as good for us as they could be. And if we are willing to make a transition, we can, in fact, get to a better place. It's the space between what was and what will be. There's no question that transitions, if dealt with or not dealt with actually, can feel uncomfortable because nothing feels settled. You often feel unsettled, particularly in a situation where you're not in a good relationship, but you stay there. We want more certainty. We want answers.

3:13 We want life to hurry up, but it doesn't happen that way. Think about it. I think you can identify personally with many of these types of situations. But transformation doesn't happen while everything stays comfortable. You know, actually, if you think about life and history in general, everything that really became better came as a result of something that was uncomfortable, something that people really wanted to change, something that people really wanted to do differently and often didn't have the courage to face into it. So really, why do we stay in uncomfortable situations and why do we stay too long? And I'm going to pause here because I think many of us can think about situations where we stayed too long. Many of us stay attached to people that we stayed attached to too long.

4:10 Friends that didn't serve us anymore. Jobs that didn't serve us anymore. Or dreams that perhaps were not good for us anymore, or dreams that needed to shift to be more attainable, or identities. That no longer fit with us. I know I've been through that, where I had an identity of myself and it was very hard to shift. I had a big corporate job and I identified myself with that. And eventually that ended and I had to make a new identity. I decided to become a leadership consultant. It was not easy, but it was the right thing for me. So when identities no longer fit, and it's because they're just not right for us.

4:58 We confuse familiarity with security. And I've seen a lot of people, frankly, that stay in relationships, that stay in jobs, because they feel secure, but they're not happy. And they're afraid that if they let go, it may not be anything better ahead. But letting go, frankly, is not giving up. It's making room. And sometimes, it's not sometimes, it's been my experience that most times, making room can make room for the next best thing. Sometimes the hardest transition is accepting that a chapter is over.

5:40 And I've done that myself. It's not fun. It's hard to face into that reality. It's hard to close that chapter. And then it's very hard to envision the next one. Really successful people, however, are. Able to do that. And we'll remember times when they really failed. And I was recently at a conference in Washington, D.C., and the whole focus of the conference was with women who talked about failures that they had and what they did and how they overcome them and how they thought they would never be able to overcome them.

6:22 And they did. And they came out much stronger than they were before. And I think if you're really reflecting on your life, which I know we all do, if we're really reflecting and you're really reflecting on your life, you've had failures. And the question is, what do you do about it? I think the first thing is that you have to reclaim yourself. There comes a point where we start asking, where we stopped asking, excuse me, Why did this happen to me? That's the victim question. Why did this happen to me? Why did I have to go through this and begin asking, who do I want to become? That's a more hopeful question. That's the question that starts helping you envision the future. That's where life changes. You know, we often wait for someone else to choose for us.

7:21 And they may or may not choose the right thing. That's depending on someone else to change. And the truth of the matter is the only people we can change are ourselves. We have to begin to, excuse me, ourselves. and become more intentional about where we want to be and what we want to do. This is the thought process of someone who can take control of their own life and stop being a victim. And I'm saying this not from, I'm saying this because I've been there and it's easy to be a victim. And it's easy to ask, why did this happen to me? It's much harder. To say, I'm going to close that. I'm going to let go of that. And I'm going to begin to look at what my life has in store for me and what I can do to choose myself and become more intentional and more authentic. And this takes courage. And little by little, if you take those steps, confidence grows. does return because those failures do rip down your confidence.

8:36 They absolutely do. And often they go into mourning phases when this happens, when. You lose someone. I've certainly lost my husband. When you get divorced or your identity completely changes, you lose confidence. And the only way around that is to start to rebuild your confidence. And that takes courage, And you do. It little by little. So if you remember nothing else from today's program, remember these three thoughts. You don't have to know the entire path. Transition is not failure. It's often the beginning of something much better. And, you know, I had actually someone say to me when I was recounting the transition slash failure.

9:24 failure and they said well you have this thing in front of you you should get excited try to get excited about that try to make that a good picture for yourself and see. Where it goes. And I did. And it made a big difference. You know, you don't have to know the entire path. You only need enough courage to take the next step. And often that next step puts your next foot forward and you take the next step and it starts feeling good and it starts making a difference. You know, your future is really not determined by what you lost. Many of us think that. I've been a widow for 10 years and it was very hard and it still is hard. But I've created other things that I was willing to become.

10:17 And while it was a big loss, it was also a big opportunity for me to grow and move in different directions. So I would like to share with you some steps that I think are really important for helping you to get started in your transition. Take a good and candid account of where you are. And often it's hard for people to be honest with themselves because what they want to be and really where they are, there. Can be a huge gap.

10:57 Really write down for yourself where you really are. Is this relationship working for you? Is this job working for you? Is this friendship working for you? What are you. Doing to enhance or take away from this? Are you being a victim in this situation? Are you hoping for too much that will never change? Write this down for yourself. Put it away for a day or two and look at it and see what still rings true for you. And if the reality is ringing true, now look at the skills you have and be brutally honest.

11:39 Look at those skills and what can you use that's your secret, personal secret sauce. to help you get to that future. I would also encourage you to look at what the best place or best you is like. What is the best you? And then look at the skills that you have or the attributes that you have or your secret sauce that you have that can help you get to the next best step. And again, honesty is a key factor here. Be brutally honest with yourself. Look at your current environment and compare it to the environment that you think will make you happy, where and when you feel your best.

12:27 Once you've done this, It's time then to transform. Now, I also say that the more you can write down your transition plan, not more than one page, but your transition plan, what's that tiny step? What's that first step? And then look at that, check it off when you've moved on to the next step. But write those steps down for you so that you can begin to feel that you really are making progress. Something else I'd like to share with you because people get stuck all the time. I think that there are, you can get the three S's.

13:09 And the first S is to spot that you're stuck. The second S is stop doing what you're doing currently. And the third S is to swap with new actions. So I would really encourage you, if you're in transition today, don't assume you're lost. You're not lost. You're simply standing in the doorway between one chapter and and the next chapter of your next book. Because the truth is, transition comes before transformation. The next version of your life may be waiting just beyond the discomfort you're experiencing today. So instead of asking, why is this happening to me? Asking, what am I becoming next? that great vision.

14:01 And don't forget what I said before. Write a one-page little transition plan because it's those little steps and little changes that will move you forward. So maybe if it's a career change, the loss of somebody you loved, a healthcare challenge, retirement, or simply a moment when life took an unexpected turn. Think about those. Those are transition phases. Those are not failures. Those are not mistakes. They're opportunities. You know, I would love to hear your stories of your own situations and your own transitions and what you are doing or can do to help you transform.

14:46 Your experience may exactly be what someone else needs to hear today. So ask who we are becoming. Ask yourself, What's your next? What really is the next for you? Not where we just think our next is. Because it can look dark sometimes. But who is the person we're becoming next? And what personal resources do you have to become next? Thank you for joining me. And I would love to hear your own stories. And maybe we can chat about them on this show.