How to Read Body Language: Can This Help You Transform Your Relationships.

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0:46 Hello everybody, hello viewers, and thanks for logging in again today. I really appreciate it. And today I have a wonderful guest by return acclaim. People enjoyed his show so much and we have even more insight from our good friend Dr. Greg Williams. Dr. Williams has been a master negotiator, a global advisor to major businesses, TED Talks, involved in Harvard Business School, named a major guru. Forbes cited him, top 50 corporate negotiators, advisors, TV news contributors. I could go on and on, but we have a really, Greg is, I think I met you in London, Greg, didn't I?

1:35 I forget where exactly we met. Good morning, Linda. Good morning. I know it was someplace in the world, and I noticed that the sun was shining when you and I met, so that's a good sign for sure. That's a good sign, and we hit it off right away, which was great. So I wanted to get into some stuff. You had a really interesting, I wanted people to see how using body language, which is so important, you know, you can say what you want, but how you say it and how people read it, make a big difference. And what they remember is not necessarily what you said. It was how you said it and how you interacted with them and how you made them feel. And would you agree with that?

2:21 Oh, definitely so. Because you can use the same words to express yourself, and yet the body language that's associated with those words can convey a completely different meaning than you intended it to convey. Right. And or just blow it all together. Right, right. Show a great deal of human hostility and that takes care of that. Okay. Well, you recently were flying back from Houston or somewhere and you sent me this note about how you were in a sort of a bind and how you got yourself out of it using body language. Can you share that experience with the audience?

3:04 Oh, for sure. As a matter of fact, it was body language. and negotiation strategies based with tactics. And what occurred was, initially, I was flying out of Texas, flew into a connecting airport, which happened to have been Atlanta. My flight was initially due to depart at 1.09 p.m. Next thing I know, it's due to depart at 2.09 p.m. Next thing I know, I'm sorry. I said we've all been there. Go ahead. Exactly. Next thing I know, it's due to depart at 6.09 p.m. Okay. Now, here's the thought. When you realize that you're in a situation that you may be losing control over, especially as a negotiator in a negotiation, what is it that you do?

3:53 You start to take action. And it was when I noticed that that flight was delayed from 2.09 to 6.09 that I was immediately up trying to gather information for how I was going to fix the situation that I found myself in. I went to the customer service area of this particular airline, and I was told by one customer service rep after another, no, we can't get you on another flight. And I offered all kinds of proposals. Well, what happens if the flight at 6.09 is canceled? Then what do I do? Well, sir, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. And I'm thinking, no, we won't.

4:38 We're at the bridge right now. And I started coining a phrase, that's not true. And I used it several times when I was told we can't get to another flight. My response was, that's not true. That's pretty bold, Greg. Well, it is because, again, it causes one to go into thought mode. Like, what does he mean by that's not true? Exactly. What am I to do with that statement? And in a moment of confusion in the negotiation, one can always take advantage of that lapse in a logical, progressional thought process that's being projected by another individual. And I don't say that to say you have to be manipulative.

5:24 I'm saying that to say therein lies where you have a momentary advantage. I said that to one rep after another, and I kept asking the question that finally got me to the destination I was seeking, no pun intended. It was getting on a flight out of Atlanta. I was finally told, okay, well, go to this black bank of phones and call. They still have a. Black bank of phones? Yes, yes, yes, and, and. That said to me that the airline is at least prepared for such situations. So I went to talk to yet another upgraded rep organization within their organization, told the same thing, can't do anything for you. That's not true. Well, sir, what do you mean that's not true? Well, somebody is going to get me on a flight. I'm just trying to find out who that might be. Now, that was an assumptive close, as they say. That's not true. Somebody's going to get me on a flight. And that individual said, well, maybe if you speak with a red coat at the airport, they can help you.

6:36 Those dang red coats. Yeah. And I said, what's a red coat? They are a supervisor. They're supervisors that oversee the customer service staff, as fortune would have it. I literally saw a woman walking by with a red coat on at that particular moment and realized she was with that particular airline. So I said, excuse me. I was told, now here's a little bravado coming in, that an angel was going to be sent to assist me in getting to my final destination. Everyone else has told me I would not be able to fly out tonight or this afternoon. I guess you're the one that's supposed to help me achieve that goal.

7:21 And the thing is, I used soft body language gestures, like no wild hand movements. I did not display any form of anger. And I literally said that as though angelic angels started to sing or something of that nature. I used that tone of voice. The sirens sang in her ears. Yeah, exactly. And she said, I'm just coming on right now. Follow me. She was exasperated. And I realized that. So I realized also I had to calm her down. How could I do that? I could do that with both my body language by being softer with my gestures, not again, being demanding or anything of that nature. Do you know who I am? And using language that was aligned with the fact that I respect the fact that she's just coming on. And I also respect the fact that she is going to assist me anyway. There was a line of people that she told me, just come right to my area. And I noticed a line of folks were looking at me. And I'm thinking, okay, how do I deal with this? Do I need to deal with this?

8:31 And I said, oh, so how far do you want me to follow you? And I said it loud enough for the people in line so they would know I was trying to jump ahead of them. Right, right, right. And get people in the line hostile to you. Exactly. And not get people in line. Yes, yes. Because... That was, we have stakeholders in any environment, and we always must be aware of who those stakeholders might be. Those people in line were there because they had ticketing problems also with their airline. And the thing is, had they started shouting out, hey, why does he get a chance to get in the front of the line? That would have influenced her, this red coat, and how she reacted to me. I wanted to make sure I kept them in a, state of non-hostility so that they.

9:20 Would not import them. Well, it is. And again, the reason I spoke as loudly as I did about follow you was because I wanted them to know I was not jumping in front of them, trying to get preferential treatment or anything of that nature. Anyway, let's meet the story up a little bit. She ended up booking me on another flight, not into my original destination city. but into, I was supposed to land in New Jersey. Instead, I ended up, she got me a flight on, got me into a seat on a flight to New York. And I'm like, okay, well, hey. yeah, exactly. I thank you very much. Just out of curiosity, how am I supposed to get from New York back to New Jersey? And she said, you know what? You've been so nice so far. I'll get a Uber or car service for you. Oh, nice. Well, it was an Uber. Okay.

10:17 Yeah. And I said, oh, well, I appreciate that. I know, really, right? I said, I appreciate that. Then when I finally did get into LaGuardia, is the airport that I flew into, and I was getting ready to summon the Uber, I noticed it was only going to take me back to the New Jersey airport. And I'm like, oh, are you serious? Yeah. So the driver... came, and he said, oh, we're going to Newark Airport. I said, that's not true. He said, what do you mean that's not true? And I said, no, actually, I wish you to take me to my home. And he said, well, the instructions say to Newark Airport. And I said, okay, that's not true. Now, I confirmed that I wasn't arguing with him. I was just making an observation.

11:12 That's not true. So I actually ended up giving him my home address, put it into his GPS and ended up getting to my home. And now I'm awaiting to see exactly what this airline does to compensate me for all the aggravation that occurred and so forth and so on. Yeah. Here's another suggestion that I would always offer to anyone in any situation that that they find themselves in that is not optimum for what they expect. I've sent the first letter to the customer service department via the link that the airline sends out to make sure that, hey, we'd love to hear your feedback type of thing. I also held back on sending that same letter to the CEO of that airline, which is step two, because I asked for, requested, Or a form of compensation that, okay, if it's met by the first level, which I don't think it will be. Yeah, I really did ask for a lot more than I even thought I'd get so that we'd settle somewhere below the line.

12:20 A negotiation tactic. Exactly. But above the line of what I really do want. So that was step one, sending the letter to the customer service department. Step two was going to be to send it to the CEO regardless. of what I get from that particular customer service response. And I praised the red coat. I was just going to say. Yes, I praised her in my letter that I sent to the customer service department. You praise where praise is due. Right. And compared her actions to all the other individuals, I didn't name them, that said it can't be done. So I made a contrast there, again, in a negotiation. How can you help get more of what it is that you want or help someone else give you more of what you want? Show where the standard can be for what has been done or can be done and contrast that to what was actually done. So not only did I give praise to the red coat, I used her actions as the standard by which I suggested the airline itself hold all employees, too. So like I said, I'm waiting.

13:38 So we'll see what happens next. That'll be interesting. Now you have to, you know, I'm sure the audience is going to want to know the follow-up. What was the upshot? Did you get the money from that? But that was a great story. I mean, it is a story in a way. Honey, well, you were affirming. You were very affirming in what you wanted. You were not nasty. You repeated what you wanted. But you also were nice about it, which makes, I think, a very big difference. A very big difference. And usually people get frustrated. They get hostile, particularly in airport situations. I've certainly been there, you know. And Linda, oh boy, you hit the nail on the head when you talked about, and what I'll frame it as, environments that you're in. Always understand the environment that you're in because you are absolutely right. People tend to get somewhat frustrated in airports because when airlines aren't departing on time, when flights are canceled, et cetera, et cetera. And when you contrast that with a softer demeanor, with someone that is not nasty, not trying to be arrogant. I was in first class. You can't treat me that way. Okay.

14:51 You're a human being. Well, yes, I. Can, but you know. Yeah, exactly. And you don't want to go there. most folks have heard the joke about the guy that goes to the airline gate attendant and says, look, I don't know how much longer this flight is going to be delayed. Don't you know who I am? And the lady, the gate attendant gets on the intercom and says, Excuse me, we have someone that doesn't know who he is up here. Can someone please help us? That's hilarious. Don't you know who I am? No, I don't. Hey, anybody on the airline know who this person is? He doesn't seem to know who he is. That was actually quick thinking. I think it was pretty funny. I think it was pretty funny. Well, switching gears a little bit, Greg, because I think this does fit in your bailiwick. I mean, you were presented with... a situation that you were not planning on. And you were, you know, and a lot of people on a very often get stuck in situations where they don't, you know, things don't go as planned.

16:00 And I talked about that last week. How do people deal with things that don't go as planned? And how do you, well, you just gave a great story of how you do it, but I'm talking a little bit more interpersonally when maybe you lost a job or maybe a marriage fell apart or maybe your best friend died or something? How do you deal with things that don't go as planned? Well, we can talk about it from a negotiation perspective, a body language perspective, but there's something that one always has to be mindful of, and that is what triggers you to feel a certain way. Like you said, if it's an unexpected death, you have more than likely, well, at my stage of life anyway, experienced death. People die.

16:53 You know reality says people will pass away. So you're somewhat prepared for it, dependent upon, again, the age. Yeah, and circumstances, exactly. Because even though you know that's reality, it can be hard sometimes to grapple with reality. And yet we have to maintain, I suggest, a presence of mind, a state of mind that says, I will get through this. Yes, I will grieve if it's because of something that happened, someone passing away, etc., etc., etc. That was very close to me. I will honor that individual from the perspective of the value they added to my life and that which I gave to them. And when one puts themselves in that state of mind, it can be an easier path as opposed to denying reality. When we deny reality, what we do is confront our inner soul that says there's turmoil here because I'm not accepting what is reality.

18:00 So I say reconcile with yourself the fact that what has occurred has happened and it can't be retracted. Right. That's the big point. Right. If that's the case, the sooner you can accept it and deal with it. And I'm not suggesting that people can just go, la, la, la, okay, it happened, and walk down a field of roses or something of that nature. I'm just saying be mindful of what has occurred, how you react to it, and I would say be mindful over an extended period of time of how you're reacting such that you don't lose grip on reality. Yeah, I think losing grip and then figuring out, and I'm talking about really life major changes. Like you just got divorced and you got three kids and your choices are numerous, but there's one or two that takes you to your next best spot. And it's easy to wallow in your own misery. Why did this happen to me?

19:03 Which is victim perspective. And so how do you get to that next better future? How do you negotiate with yourself? to move yourself into that next brighter spot, if you can, and not everybody can. Well, I suggest that they can to the degree that they have the inner strength to do so. What do I mean by that? I've lost jobs, I've lost marriages, and that was plural, by the way. And over time, when such occurrences happened, I started thinking, There's a brighter day ahead. Now, I'm always overly optimistic, not to the point of thinking that I can do it. this and get through it without any additional challenges and or assistance.

19:55 I am, though, of the mindset that I will get through this. And I have had a lot of challenges. I started telling you earlier, about the business partner that literally stole a quarter of a million dollars out of the business, someone that I would have trusted and did trust with my wife. And that was a curveball. Talk about curveballs. I didn't see that coming at all. It really set things into a downward spiral. I mean, that happened over 20 years ago. And to this day, I'm still not as openly trusting of individuals as I used to be back then. And what that did allow me to do, though, was, again, say to myself, you will get through this. And if you maintain, I believe, the thought process that says you can overcome something, you're better positioned to do so. If, on the other hand, you sit around and you wallow in the mess of that has been served to you, it's going to take you a longer time to get out of it, number one. Number two, take you longer to get to where you're supposed to be next in your life. When we have challenges, I believe they are nothing more than opportunities created to allow us to grow, allow us to go, and to allow us to become more of what we were intended to be. Yeah.

21:22 Wow, that's really great, Greg. I mean, you know I'm a widow, and that took me a long time. I mean, that was a very traumatic situation in my life, even though I knew it was going to happen. I didn't want it to happen. And, you know, even in that journey, there was things that got thrown in my way that I had not planned and I didn't know about, and I just had to. Sometimes I did find myself wallowing in self-pity. Yeah. And, you know, that wasn't good. And I had to realize that. And I had to move forward to my next, a la my show. Okay, there you go.

22:03 So I could think about other things. Yeah, exactly. And that's, like you said, there's something else waiting after that. As long as we're alive, we can live life in order to live life better. And hey, losing a loved one can be extremely traumatic, extremely, because they're such a great part of your life. But again, when they're gone, you can honor the memory and embrace all the good times that you had such that, I say, people that are close or were close to you never leave you because you consistently think about the times you had, how they influenced your life, and how they are still influencing your life as you move deeper, further into your life's activities.

22:51 Yep. And into your next. And that's why I really do believe that people have to sit and think about, what is my next? You know, this was then, and what's now? And how do I move forward to that next so that I can have that meaningful and fulfilling life? Because one does not want, nor do the people that, well, some people walked out of your life, abusive husbands, abusive wives, whatever. They don't care if you have a good next, to tell you the truth. But you still have to figure out that next for yourself and the future. And I think there's a certain degree, Greg, of negotiating with yourself.

23:34 And how would you negotiate with yourself? Well, I'll tell you what I did then. In situations that occurred such as what I've spoken about already, I started assessing the skills that I had. When that guy, that partner, took a quarter of a million dollars out of the business, we darn near went bankrupt. And truth be known, I lost a lot of resources. That's the way I phrase it at this particular time. And I started... Assessing what is it that I can do next? Because truth be known, I had run for political office. I had run a successful business. I was serving on 13 major boards at one particular point in time, such companies as Bank of America, Marriott Hotel, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And I thought about the people in my life that I cared about. for those that I worked with. Now, we have different degrees and levels of individuals that we care about, but I thought to myself, how can I serve them? So I didn't place the spotlight on me.

24:48 I didn't focus that on me for, oh my gosh, look what this guy did. Oh, he's destroyed me and yada, yada, yada. It's like, okay, it happened. That's reality. You're in a downward spiral. Accept it. Do something about it. If you're going to fall down, fall on your back because if you can look up, you can get up. Oh, I love that. I love that. Well, please don't attribute it to me. It's something I heard from somebody else. But it's good. It's a good line. But the thing is, you have to maintain, I suggest, the mindset that remains, I can. I can do this.

25:29 And you have to crawl. I mean, just do everything you can to get yourself back into a state of mind where not only do you assess the skills that you have, but who can you serve with those skills? And truth be known, that's what led me in part to the speaking industry. That was what led me there. And I kept thinking to myself, wow, this is something I never would have thought would have happened because before all of that occurred, Even as a politician, I was afraid to get up and speak initially in front of a small crowd, let alone thousands of people at one time.

26:09 But it was something that I realized my heart was leading me to address. And it was something that I started to embrace. And I realized, okay, I can impact the lives of individuals in a positive manner, which is what I sought as my mission in life. And that was what made me move from one step to another, to another, moving forward all the time. Wow, what a beautiful story and what beautiful things to think about, for people to think about, because we all get into situations where something comes up that was not planned. You know, it was not part of the lexicon. Well, Greg, thank you so much for coming back on the show.

26:49 I just, I always love talking with you and I always love your insights. They're so good. And how do people get a hold of the master negotiator, Dr. Greg Williams? Well, first of all, thank you for inviting me back, Linda. It's always a delightful pleasure to speak with you and, truth be known, to learn from you, too. Well, that's a shock. Yeah, yes. So people can get in touch with me via my email address, which is greg, G-R-E-G, at the, T-H-E, master, M-A-S-T-E-R, negotiator, N-E-G-O-T-I-A-T-O-R.com.

27:32 They can also go to my website, which is themasternegotiator.com. And by the way, I talked about giving to people. I have tons of free information. For example, once at the website, just go to the blog and key in whatever insights you seek about negotiation and reading body language, and you'll see a countless number of articles that'll pop up to give you insights that you need. And by all means, if I can ever be of assistance to help you, and I'm talking to you, whomever it is that is actually watching or listening to this right now, if I can be of assistance in helping you pursue your goal with greater fervor, by all means, please feel free to reach out to me.

28:17 Wow. Well, thank you so much, Greg. I really appreciate it. And I can't wait till I see you again. Which I'm sure our paths will cross somewhere along the line. Exactly. Are you going back to London? Yes, I will be back in London. Oh, you are. It's only in November. Will you be there? I don't know. I'm just getting back from Africa. So I'm not sure if I'm going to do it. We'll see. Oh, oh, oh. Well, hey, whenever we see one another, it'll be my pleasure and delight to be in your presence. Absolutely. Well said. Thank you. Thank you, everyone, for participating in another series of Next. And I hope you got some insight and some things that you can learn about from this show. And I look forward to seeing you next week with another great guest.

29:07 Thank you again, Linda. And remember, you're always negotiating. Yeah, you're always negotiating. That's exactly right. That's exactly right. Have a great day, everybody.