Connection is the Secret Sauce Pt2

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0:45 Hi, welcome to my discussion with the illustrious Morag Barrett on part two of our talking about the traits of and connectivity for organizations and what leaders need to think about in terms of that regard. So, Morag, we got to trade number two, and there are five of them, so let's go through the Let's quickly, just hit on the first two so that the audience can get brought up to speed, and then let's go into the next three. Okay, Well, the practices we're talking about are highlighted in my book. You mean, we why we all need a friend at work and how to show up as one perfect and that came about a quick summary for those of you who are just joining us for part two, in which case, where have you been? Our research, along with Gallup, who's been researching engagement for the last twenty years, shows that we are in the middle of a relationship recession.

1:49 We've got this digital transformation with AI happening around us, and yet one in four leaders who've completed our ally Mindset profile tell me, tell my team that they have no meaningful relationships at work. And it's heartbreaking, Linda, heartbreaking. And here's some other stats that we didn't share in the opening. In the first research shown the number one use for artificial intelligence, What would you guess is the number one use for artificial intelligence. I'm going to tell you what I would guess because I do use it a conversation connection.

2:30 It is absolutely that ding ding ding ding ding, winning winner Chicken Dinner. It's not coding, which again it's being used for. It's not even idea generation. People are turning to artificial intelligence for conversation, for connection, to address those feelings of loneliness. Yes, and I. Too am an avid user. Claud and I have a somewhat close working relationship, but the shows, well, not that close but the research shows that whilst in the moment it gives us the illusion of connection, it doesn't actually close the gap on those feelings of loneliness. As human beings, we are hardwired for connection. And so in my Team and Eyes research in um Wei and in my first book, Cultivate, we're looking to address that gap, and we identified five practices that make a difference between No, I don't have meaningful relationships at work, and yes, heck I do. In fact, others see me as their meaningful relationship. So the first two practices we covered in the teaser episode abundance and generosity.

3:41 Do I care about you and your success as much as I do my own. Doesn't mean I'm guaranteeing that success, but am I at least curious to understand what success looks like for you and how I may be helping or hindering. Number two is connection and compassion. This is where I see you beyond the job title that you're wearing right now. But I'm interested in your whole life, a little bit more of your journey, what lights you up, what frustrates you. I'm starting to braid the relationship at this point, and you mentioned it in our first conversation. This is where trust starts to really bubble up and help support us for the way forward. Because when I feel like I am seen, valued, respected, appreciated by you and to you, then I am more likely to have courage and vulnerability. The third practice.

4:42 Which is a basis of trust. It is the basis of trust, but it's a chicken and egg which comes first. But if I feel like you've said, hey, morag, you've got this, go do it, I'm going to test those waters. I'm going to take informed risk. I may show initiative, I may put my hand up and volunteer what I might think is a daft or an obvious idea, and then depending on how you respond, will either put deposits in that builds that confidence or it doesn't. So courage and vulnerability they go hand in hand, and this was inspired by the work of Brene Brown. It is the true differentiator because if I think that this is going to be a black mark, if I make a mistake, it's going to be used to punish me, then heck no, I am not going to speak up, which is candor and debate. The fourth practice of having an allied mindset, so for you Linda, as you think back, We've got abundance and generosity. I'm looking outward, not just focused on me. We have connection and compassion, which is the importance of just slowing down to see and check in on how you're doing, not just what you're doing. That leads to courage and vulnerability, which means I'm going to take informed risk, show initiative, and then that in turn leads to candre and debate.

6:06 I'm going to call out confusion. I'm going to ask the awkward questions. I'm going to give warnings of impending disaster before they arrive rather than the I could have told you so afterwards. Yeah, oh, I thought you were going to ask me a really crazy question. I'm going to go, oh God, I'm have to answer or something. No, I'm just going to pause dramatically and allow you to just build from there. Yeah. Well, that that was really terrific. And I what I love about your five connectors or connection characteristics, Yeah, practices, that's what you call them, is that you know they're not the standard. They really dig deeper into the human psyche, and that I like a lot because that forces people to be much more introspective about how they're interacting and why they're interact with others.

7:01 Well, that's why the book title is how how you need that? Why we all need a friend at work? And how to show up as one? Because it isn't just about what can you take from others. It does require that introspection of what can you offer with out with guardrails so that you don't just become a yes person supporting everybody else, but your own needs are being minimized and going back to the ally mindset profile Again, those of you have not yet done it, we saw a flurry of completions and insights following the first episode. You can take it for free and contribute to our research at sky Team skye Team dot cloud as in cloud in the Sky, SkyTeam dot Cloud Forward, slash you me we and here's some of the other surprising insights tell us. Okay, so we're talking disconnection. Thirty percent of the leaders who've completed us tell us that they have felt disconnected from the work that they're being asked to do.

8:09 That's that's substantial. They're going through the motions, they're on their hamster wheel. I am just getting through the grind, the nine to five. If I'm lucky the eight to eight if I'm not, whatever it might be, they're going through the motions. Twenty five percent say that they have felt disconnected from their colleagues and wiping. Seventeen percent say I'm disconnected from both. I don't care about the work and I don't seem connected to or cared about or care about my colleagues. And that's a double whammy, because what's going. I was just going to ask you, So, people that feel that disconnected from the work and their colleagues, how do they how do they behave in the in the workplace?

8:57 What are signs that you can see that that's where they are. Well, I've got two answers to that, because theirs have many answers. The first comes from doctor Vivic Murphy, who was the prior twice Surgeon General of the United States, and he published a white paper on the epidemic of loneliness, and the research clinically is clear that when we feel disconnected both from the work and especially from our colleagues, stress, anxiety, all sorts of health issues accelerate. He likened loneliness and disconnection to the equivalent of smoking fifteen cigarettes of day Wow so you know, if you say you're not on smoker or you don't inhale, I'm going to call BS because our nervous system doesn't know the difference, and so it is impacting how we show up. Now. The second answer to that question is, even though I've written two books on this, even though I talk about it every day, I have been there. I have felt lonely sitting on my sofa with my family all around me. I've felt lonely sitting in a coffee shop in Manhattan with millions of people around me. And I've felt lonely at and disconnected at work. And here's what it does to me in the short term. I put my head down and I work harder, because if I can show you the value, maybe you'll see that I'm hurting, that's my word for it,

10:27 but you can see that there's something up. I try the psychic approach, the productivity approach, but invariably that busness just takes me away from the need to invest in my relationships and to make the implicit explicit. And so when I'm busy and I'm ruminating about that and feeling disconnected, it's then the one am lying in bed going. Is it just me? Everybody else seems to have it together. I must be useless. It's me. What I've come to realize is we're all wearing this mask of how are you doing, Linda, And the answer is invariably I'm fine, great. Yep, gop great. So we do that, come back and say, actually, I really sort of suck.

11:12 Yeah, so not many and I'm not necessarily ascribing that that's what we should do, right, But we can come back with you know, I've had better weeks. I'm looking forward to X or you know, I'm glad you asked. I've been wrestling with this part of the project. Do you have fifteen minutes? I'd love to get your input. And we underestimate just how much others want to hear from us. We write a story that says, hey, here, I am working from home. Linda's busy. I won't call her. Oh it's seven o'clock at night. Even though we are friends, I'm not going to call her in the evening because I mean, personally, that's how I was brought up. You don't phone people in the evenings when they are relaxing.

11:58 And those stories with us and when we're working remotely here's the other heartbreaking statistic. It's easier to pretend because we can all do fake perky for thirty minutes on a zoom call and then hang out and go, oh my god, this sucks. So how do you reach it? Yeah, here's the counterintuitive finding from our ally mindset profile. We ask people where they are or the environment in which they're working, and they're given the choice of in the office. And we've seen all the return to office debates, hybrid a little bit of both, mostly remote, so once a year we get together for a team session or whatever, and then fully remote. Who do you think from our research in those four categories, from in the office to fully remote, who is the most disconnected?

12:53 I would say sometimes in the office. See this is why we're friends. I know thirty eight percent, thirty eight point six. I'm just reading the results here so I can be accurate. As of today, thirty eight point six percent say that they who go into the office say that they are disconnected from work, with twenty seven percent saying they're disconnected from their colleagues, whereas fully remote it's around twenty percent on both those measures. So the conventional mindset is that working remotely is what causes disconnection, but that's not what.

13:33 The data shore not necessarily Yeah, and. I'm wondering this is something I'm going to dive into more deeply. Is well. Firstly, my mindset if I am remote is I know, I'm not going to see you at the water cooler for a cup of coffee. But going into the office, the mindset is I've made the effort. I've just driven an hour into the city and I'm the only one here. Or I've driven an hour into the office and now I'm spending all day on zoom calls because everybody else is somewhere else. I may as well just stayed at home, and it just widens the gap. So this brings me to the fifth practice, which is action and accountability, which is, if we're feeling disconnected, we have to take accountability for that. Others aren't psychic. I've learned we need to share a little bit of you know, I'm feeling a little out of the loop as to what's going on, or Heylinda, I've seen you on the last seven zoom calls. I'm curious about your role at this company. Do you have ten minutes? Everybody has ten minutes?

14:37 Get on a call, but spend some of those ten minutes finding out about what lights you up, not just what are you doing? So accountability is own it, share it, and create those micro moments of connection. And then, as a leader or a team member, instead of just getting onto your meetings and it all being business business business, literally spend a few minutes talking about what did you do at the weekend, What do you have coming up? Open the door for the conversations that would have happened organically in the elevator, over lunch, maybe for a drink after work that don't happen when we're working across time zones and geographies.

15:20 You know more. I want to just add to that a little bit because I was talking to somebody else this morning about the cultural differences and how culture does come into play in some of this, and I was really surprised because I was I'm a Northeastern person and then I moved out to the West Coast to do what work for a big corporation out there. Such a dichotomy in terms of how people interact with each other in the Northeast New York area. People come into the room boom boom boom, likes here's our task, let's get it done. In the on the West coast, you have to do the social chit chat or whatever, because that's what brings people in and it's it's really funny. It's a huge adjustment for you know, people who are by I wanted to say bipostal, but by coastal, by coastal. Yeah, it's a it's a hugue. That's such a great observation.

16:15 I mean I had the same moving from the UK to Colorado, learning from the nice to meet you too, the let's. Have a hug, and it was like whoa back right. Now? We go through the dance of are we shaking her? Were bumping, elbow bumping and coming in for a full hug. It's like a little meeting dance for birds. But but this goes back to something that we talked about in the first episode, which is to make the implicit explicit. And when the pandemic happened, it did a doozy on all of our relationships because we all grabbed our bags and went home for what was initially going to be two years, and then two years, two weeks, and then it was going to be three months, and then we'll be home, you know, back in the office. By the fall, nobody realized that it was going to be two years.

17:06 And unfortunately, because of that, we force fitted how we did it in the workplace in three dimensions to how we did it in the virtual workspace of two dimensions. We didn't make adjustments for how do we connect? And prior to the pandemic, I was one of those. I was definitely of the opinion, if you want to be a better human, you have to do it in a room with other humans. All our leadership programs were done in person. Well, the pandemic pay to. That that got kissed kissed away. It did. But here's what I realized is that when I made when we make an intentional choice to show up all in, to emote to the camera, to share a little bit more of what we're really thinking and feeling, it is possible to create deep, meaningful relationships even if we've never met in three dimensions.

18:04 I agree totally. And some of the leaders I've coached, some of the new friends that you and I have in one hundred coaches, some of them I've never met in person, but I know if they called now, or if I called them and said I need help. We would be there for each other, right and we all need at least one person who, no matter where they are on the planet, has our back and would be there for us in that moment of need. You know what, it's so interesting my cameras not not cooperating with me. But what's so interesting because I worked for heal Packard. We had this technology way before the pandemic. I mean, it existed and everybody was trying to get because they were selling it and all that stuff and trying to get people to use it, and nobody wanted to do it because it just wasn't as much fun as a face to face. Well, we've all been forced to get used to it, and I think in many ways it has created at some level greater connectivity. It's way different than having a phone call. It's you know, when you can sit across from which I'm stone to speak and you know you know the person and you've met the person previously, you can make an emotional connection.

19:17 I think. But you're the researcher on this topic, what do you think? So I do? I mean that was my point is that when we choose to lean in it, absolutely it's the modern equivalent of the airmail letters I used to send my pen pal in Australia. It's just it's quicker, an instant. But when we're multitasking, when we're just giving it short shrift, it gives the illusion of connection. And so if we are feeling disconnected, reach out, send that message to the awesome colleague that we talked about in episode one. Surprise them and make their day slow down. And the next time you're getting your coffee and actually see the barista and have a short common the station, compliment somebody as you're opening the door on their jacket or whatever it might be. But as our colleague Howard Pragus would say, find a way to make someone's day, usually by saying thank you or I see you. It costs us nothing, but it can have a huge ripple effect on how people show up for others and for themselves.

20:26 Right, and it can do a ton for this feeling of isolationism and lonliness, which actually has become a pandemic in and of itself. Yes, I mean, certainly you talked about cultural differences. The research and the reading that I'm doing right now is that this truly is as Dr Vivit Murphy described it an epidemic of loneliness that's happening around the world. And even if the people listening and watching this are not experiencing it right now, somebody they know is And that is the key wake up here is what are you doing to help others to feel like they belong, that they are connected? Because when we're worried and feeling stressed and anxious and disconnected, then our work suffers, our health suffers, and our quality of life suffers.

21:23 You know it just it just strikes me that these are such important dynamics and you really have to be sort of plays into my realm. But as a leader, you have to be very self introspective. You need feedback. You need to understand how you operate and how you take in these various different dynamics to adjust, not to adjust yourself frankly, to the environment, the team, and the culture that you're parted you're part of. So Maura, give us give us your final thoughts here? What are what are your what do you need to tell? You've told us what we need to do, but give us the final like do this.

22:04 So ask choose the people you'd depend on at work? What's one thing I can do to be a better leader, colleague, partner, whatever it might be, what's one thing I could do to help us to be more successful together? And then take that information and make a choice. Are you ready willing and able to lean into it and to do that? Because here's what my research and my life experience has continue to show me every single day that success in business is powered by our relationships, especially now when we're seeing jobs being reworked and replaced by AI. It is our relationships that are going to help us to navigate that Maelstrom and land the next role. So success in business is powered by relationships, but success in life that's powered by connection, and that is going just that a little bit deeper in understanding the who you're working with and what lights them up and what drains them, going beyond the transaction and being transformational so that we can be better together. Relationships, Connection, it's everything.

23:17 It's everything. And you know what I have to tell you. We've known each other a long time and we've helped each other through quite a number of personal businesses, right, and my conversation with you today lit me up. It just lit me up. It did really. It was oh yeah, well, oh I got the sign wrong whatever, but it really it really did. I always loved talking to you and I love hearing from you. You're so insightful. And if people haven't gotten your book you me, we we they should get it. And the new edition, the second edition of Cultivate, which is where it all started. Yeah, but connect with me on LinkedIn?

23:59 Yes, how do they get in touch? Shot a moreag? Sorry? How do you? How do people? I know you gave it, you know it's more, but how do people get a hold of you? More? Morerag? You said it before, but say it again? So Morerag Barrett. Find me on LinkedIn. It is me that is responding to all comments. Connect with me there. You can find more about our leadership programs and team and executive coaching at SkyTeam dot com. And because threes just the perfect number, there's more Rag Barrett dot com where you can learn about my keynote speaking and inquire about availability. Thank you for the opportunity and the conversation, Linda.

24:43 Well I will. I'm just going to give you one final little plug because you know I'm a keynote speaker too, and you're fabulous. You can light up a group of executives leaders for any company and have them lead, leaving transformed. So thanks Moragg for everything you've done for me. I appreciate it.